A Need to be Smaller
by hidarichan81
Summary: A girl battles with anorexia.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Oh God, not another story to neglect. Just kidding. I got my labtop back, so now I will be starting and finishing alot more stories. Also, this fanfic has nothing to do with the book wintergirl, I just love crossed-out text :))**

**Disclaimer: Geez, and all this time I thought this was fanfiction . net**

I've already given up on having matching socks. Every time I get a new pair, one of the two socks goes missing in my closet and never returns. Correction, my _dump site._ The streets are made of panties and shorts, the buildings are made of tank tops, sweaters, t-shirts, and blouses I never wear. The hills are made of lacey orange and yellow bras, and the mountains of old jeans that are fashionable, but way too tight. The socks are lonely people, with no match, no perfect partner, so most of them are hookers, hopping from one sock to the next. I don't care if my socks match anymore, as long as they both fit on my feet.

"Rin, get down here now! You'll be late for school!" my dad yells down the stairs.

"I'm coming!" I yell back.

"That's what she said!" my twin brother, Len, yells from his room.

"Oh, shut up, turd!" I yell back at him. Finally I find a pair of socks that aren't those damned ankle socks all mothers seem to buy for their children. I put them on, grab my backpack and labtop, and rush downstairs.

"So I'm a poop?" Len walks up beside me and asks.

"Yes, a giant one that clogs the toilet!" I pronounce, proud of myself for the crude comment.

"How lady-like of you," Len commented with a smirk.

"Shut it, brats, we're going to be late. Now, don't embarrass me in front of my friends, got it?" Our older sister, Gumi, glares at us. Today is our first day of highschool, Len and I are fourteen. Gumi is sixteen and a sophomore.

Gumi sits in the front seat of my dad's wicked expensive, sleek black SUV. Len sits next to me in the back, tugging at my hair and saying my name multiple times like a second grader just to annoy me. I turn and stare out the window, the whole world turning into a blur of blue sky, white houses, red and gray roofs, and multi-colored cars. I watch the whole world melt together, just like that. Melt into nothingness. I wish I could melt into that world, but I don't seem to fit right.

"Hey, brat, we're here!" Gumi yells at me. I look over at Len and he looks at me in an apologetic way for some reason. I slowly get out of the car, wondering how twenty minutes could just pass by like that.

The world scares me.

We walk up to the gates and dad drives away. By the time we are at the stairs, We've already lost Gumi to her 'friends' – a cute, tall boy with shaggy dark blue hair, Another boy that looks like him with red hair, a girl with wavy bubblegum pink hair and beautiful blue eyes, a boy that looks like her twin, a strange looking guy with long purple air, a boy with short brown hair and eyes that I recognize as Meito from when he slept over our house when our parents were gone (Gumi's a whore, I could hear them all night), and a girl with short brown hair and eyes, and a very… _large _chest….well, no point in sweetening it. She has _disgustingly _big boobs.

"Hi-Hi! Len-Len! Rin-Rin!" Our friend Miku calls out to us, dragging her brother behind her. Miku has long aqua hair pulled into two twin tails, and large aqua/azure doe eyes. Her brother, Mikuo, has the same aqua hair, but shorter and a little shaggy(but very neat and cute), and the same, big, aqua, doe eyes.

"Sup? Aren't you excited? It's _highschool_! We're in _highschool_! We made it!" Miku grabs my hands and throws them all around. Honestly, I don't like Miku very much. She's always too happy. It bugs me, but sometimes she can really cheer me up.

"Miku-nee, stop it, you're bothering Rin," Mikuo taps his sister on the shoulder, and she puts at him. Isn't she supposed to be the older twin?

Speaking of twins, this highschool is all twins. Oh? I forgot to tell you? This is a special school for all twins. Gumi has a twin, Gumiya, who is also our older brother, if you are too dumb to tell. Sorry, that was a little harsh. But Gumiya is unfortunately too sick to go to school today.

My stomach growls, and I pull out an orange, peel it, then eat it.

I haven't eaten in four days.

I'm not hungry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own vocaloid or any product or websites in this.**

Mom calls me down for dinner. Ugh. I race down the steep stairs with Len, and I bump him into the railing. I jump the last four steps, and land in star formation.

I wobble a little.

My legs are weak.

"Victory," I sequel. I look up at Len as he walks down the last of the steps, and he sticks out his tongue at me.

"Enough fooling you two," My mother comments for the kitchen doorway (Gumi knocked the door off of it's hinges while going on a rampage one day.), "Hurry up and get your plates! It's Kraft mac and cheese tonight!"

Ew. Kraft mac and cheese has about 410 calories per serving!

I tell my mom I'm not hungry. She whines a little, so to calm her down I grab a box of wheat thins. I look at the serving size: 140 calories, 22 carbs for 16 pieces. I take out eight and start to eat them. 140/2 = 70, 22/2=11. Plus the orange which was about 60 calories, makes 130 calories and 11 carbs that I have eaten today.

Gross, but not bad. I mean, last week I had almost 300 calories one day! I didn't eat from then until today.

I feel disgusting as chewed up bits of the crackers slither down my throat like snakes, preparing to puncture my organs until they bloat. I can taste the 230mg of sodium penetrate my throat and burn it alive.

"Well, at least you ate something," Mom states when I am finished with the gross crackers. "Your eating habits have been so off this past half year."

I jog up to my room and slam the door. I need to work off all those carbs, before they turn into sugars and fat.

I get on the ground and do forty crunch-sit up mutations, then get on my treadmill for fifteen minutes. By the end of my work out session, I have burned more calories and carbs than I gained that day. My stomach burns, but it's a nice burn.

"Hey, why are you all sweaty? Let me guess, _Mikuo_?" Len barges in as I wipe my forehead off with a towel. He quickly escapes as I throw a giant Domo stuffed animal at him. Domo bounces off the door and lands at my feet.

"I can't believe he would even mention that…" I mumble and lightly kick the stuffed animal.

Slowly I crawl into bed and start my math homework. I get it done quickly, because we are learning proportions, which are wicked easy. In all the other classes we haven't started work yet, just math because the teacher, , Is a workaholic, and likes to work us to the bone. I did my paragraph for English, introducing myself, and then I am done.

I log onto my tumblr account and blog about my successes in not eating. It's almost like a game, a game that I am winning.

TunaoverEveryThin: Good job girl, keep it up, stay strong!

CellCharm: Wow, I wish I could be as strong-willed as you!

I get many comments like that over the past few hours from my many followers. On tumblr I can be myself. I don't have to fake it, I don't have to hide food and pretend that I ate it, I don't have to work it off or throw it up, I don't have to pretend to be (not) hungry. I can just be _me_.

I stay up until around three thirty that night listening to Kagane Rui's song Kokoro, a song about a robot with no heart and a creator who created her in representation of a dead family member. Little shapes and splotches of color protrude my vision as I squeeze my eyes shut tight after holding them open for long.

A long, continuous, low growl comes from behind my ribs, begging for salvation.


	3. Chapter 3

**AHHH! Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, I am going to try to update this one daily. It's gonna be long XDfanfic earased **

**I had to reupload this, because when i uploaded this, some of my words were earsed o.0**

**meh.**

**Disclaimer: Wow, here I was thinking this was a fanfiction.**

The next day in gym, our teacher, Shion - sensei (eldest sister of Kaito, Akaito, Nigaito, and Taito Shion, quadruplets that attend this school) tells us that we will be playing basketball for the next two weeks, then move on to soccer, hockey, volleyball, and so on.

I do the warm-up jog beside a girl with short black hair and charcoal eyes. I've seen her around before, but she never talks to anyone, not even the teachers. She is also in my English and Algebra 1 class, both for which she refused to pass in the homework for. She seemed like a rebel, but…a lonely one.

sensei has the whole class split up into four uneven groups (we have 23 kids in my gym period, which is third period, in case you wanted to know.) and makes us play horse to practice shooting. By the end of the game, The girl with the black hair, Akita Nero, Lily whateverherlastnameis, and I are the only four standing.

"All right, you four. Haine Lin, pair up with Kagamine. Akita and Lily pair up. You guys will play two-on-two as the others practice dribbling on the other court." sensei yells.

The girl with black hair and charcoal eyes walks towards me, now recognized as Haine Lin, walks up to me. I hear her mutter something like 'don't mess up.'

We play two-on-two, and the score is fourteen to twelve when tells the class to change back into our regular clothes. We won, and I burned a shit load of calories and carbs.

"Nice job out there," Lin finally speaks up for one of the first time these past two days. She puts her hand out, and I shake it.

"Nice job."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hurrah for daily updates! Also, this chapter is a little longishy.**

**Disclaimer : I own nothing but my writing(plot,setting,ooc, etc.)**

"Uh…hey, can I sit with you guys?" Haine Lin walks up to us (Miku, Mikuo, Len, our old friend Piko, and I) the next day at lunch, carrying a tray with a piece of pizza on it. My nostrils burn, but my stomach makes me want to take the whole thing and shove it into my mouth. The grease would dribble down out of my mouth and burn all the skin on my chin.

Haine Lin is really small.

"Sure! Hey, you're name is Lin - chan, right?" God, don't be so informal, Miku.

"Y-yea…," Haine - san (see? Formality.) says, sitting down next to me. She sees me staring at her pizza, but says nothing.

x.X.x

Mom yells at me for skipping dinner again today, but I just ignore her and walk to my room. She scolds my dad, saying 'do something about your daughter! She'll get sick!', but when dad asks me about it, I tell him I'm fine, and he believes me.

x.X.x

I wake up the next morning to a very loud, annoying, alarm clock.

"Dammnit,"Len walks into my room, and shuts it off, "Do you even _know_ how _LOUD_ this thing is?"

Told you it was loud.

"I mean, this thing is so annoying!" Len flails his arms around above his head, then storms out of the room.

And annoying.

I get up and trip over my own feet. I feel like crap today. I walk over to my closet, and put on a pair of baggy sweatpants. They fall off. I grab a rainbow studded belt, pull them back up, and pull the belt tightly around the size one and a half pants. Weird, they fit me last year. I grab a loose tank top, put it on, and pull on a thick purple sweatshirt. I grab a ton of those fake bead necklaces that you wore as a kid, yea – those ones, pull them over my head, and put my hair up into a bun with the bangs pulled back. I need to cut my hair, it's grown a little past my shoulders.

When I walk downstairs, the smell of bacon and eggs penetrates me. I try to ignore it, but it starts to get increasingly harder.

"Oh, Rin! There you are! Come on, I made break…fast…," mom slows down on _fast_ as I walk right past her to the fridge. I grab one frozen pancake, and pop it in the microwave.

I haven't eaten a pancake since last year, when I decided to starve my self.

Come on body, get thinner quicker.

One frozen pancake = about 80 calories.

Woah. I can't eat anything else today, besides maybe a hot chocolate I've been planning to fit in for months now.

One Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate = about 120 calories.

That's about 200 calories!

I'll have to spend a half hour on my treadmill today.

"Morning everyone," Gumiya says, rubbing the back of his messy bed head, his eyes glazed over. He's missed school for three days now, but he's better today, so he's coming back. He's not used to waking up so early.

"Gumiya, you look like a piece of shit!" Gumi yells, leaning back with her arms over the chair.

"Watch your mouth, young lady!" Dad half yells.

x.X.x

"Hey Rin, wanna come over to my house to sleep over tomorrow?" Lin comes up to me and asks. It turns out Lin can be a extremely fun person when you get to know her.

I haven't had a sleepover in forever.

"Uh, sure! Why not?"

Tomorrows Friday.

"Ok. Um, uh, meet me outside the senior wing," for seniors and their friends only, "and my mom will pick us up with my twin brother."

"You have a brother? Oh, wait, duh." I forgot about the whole twin thing. I thought she would have a twin sister, but most twins attending here a different genders.

Lin laughs, waves goodbye, and walks down the hall. I'll have to pass through the senior wing, seniors, seniors friends, and senior classes only.

Shit.

x.X.x

When I get home, I do my homework, blog about my new friend, and go into my bathroom to measure my waist.

My waist is currently 19 inches.

I go to my bed and fall into a deep sleep, right when my mother calls me for dinner.

x.X.x

Surprisingly, the walk wasn't as bad as I thought. Well, actually, I ran through the building, got yelled at by at least three teachers, and a lot of senior guys (and a few girls) yelled things at me.

My ankles hurt so bad.

It must be because I'm so fat.

"Rin!" Lin calls out to me, waving her left hand in a graceful fashion. Next to her is a boy just a little bit taller than her, with black hair and charcoal eyes.

This must be Ren.

"Ren, Rin. Rin, Ren." Lin introduces us to each other in a quiet voice. Lin is never to loud. I remember how in class, she is always quiet and mysterious. She still doesn't answer when a teacher calls on her.

"Nice to meet ya, Rin," Ren smiles and shakes my hand.

"Nice to meet you."

I hate that phrase.

x.X.x

"He so likes you," Lin comments randomly in the middle of our movie. She plops a piece of popcorn in her mouth, offers me a piece, but I turn it down.

I haven't eaten all day.

"Who?" I ask.

"Mikuo."

"No."

"Yes."

"Why would he like me?"

"OHHHHH, LET ME SEE…," Lin taps her chin a few times, then says in a weird voice, "YOU'VE ONLY BEEN BESTFRIENDS FOREVER, YOU'RE WICKED COOL AND NICE, WICKED PRETTY, HAVE A GREAT PERSONALITY. He's always staring at you and laughing at your jokes, and you two just attract each other." She says the last sentence in her regular voice.

"Whatever. Hey, can we watch the Grudge?" I ask.

"Sure, I've never seen it, though. I have the first one, let's watch that, also." Lin smiles.

The rest of the night was spent screaming.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/n: sorry for this short, random, choppy chapter. The next one will be more...whole. Reading plays in english have fried my brain temporarily for the day.**

**New chapter may be tonight. MAYBE.**

It's freezing. I walk out into the hallway and look at the thermostat.

Seventy three point two degrees?

Huh?

Maybe….maybe it's just my room.

_It's because you haven't eaten in a whole week_

No, it's not.

_Yes it is, why would I lie to you?_

Because your just me, and I'm a twisted, little, gross, fat freak.

_..._...

Yea. Don't say anything.

It must just be the late September nights. It's gets a little chilly when it nears October, anyways.

x.X.x

Our biology teacher's last name is Dooshaney (_doo-shane-ie)_. But we always call her Doucheane (_douche-an-ie)_.

I mean, biology is my favorite subject besides my electives (art, music and etymology.)

She's huge.

She's bigger than me.

And I'm as big as the planet.

x.X.x

"Trick-or-treating?" I say questionably at Mikuo.

"Yea, are you going this year?" He asks.

It's a whole month away.

I can't anyways.

I'll get fat if I eat all that bug-infested candy.

x.X.x

My teeth are getting less white. They are usually pearly white, but now they are an off-white.

Whatever.

I'm already imperfect, anyways.

x.X.x

Halloween is in two weeks. Mikuo asked if he could sleepover (apparently he's too old to go trick-or-treating.) and I said ok, why not?

So now I don't have to eat sugar, crawling with carbs and calories that wiggle around in your body with their furry tenticles.

My lips are getting so chapped and scabby that not even chapstick will help.

"Rin, your lips are so gross," Miku comments to me at lunch.

"Yea, well try kissing them. Trust me, it's gross!" Len says sarcastically, and everyone, even me, laughs.

"That's not very nice!" I yell, and some chick with two dark pink curly twin tails repeats my comment in a creepy, high-pitched, sarcastic voice.

x.X.x

It's getting even chillier outside. It reminds me of Swan Lake, or the Nutcracker, or any of those ballets with the stick-thin ballerinas in pretty, glittery costumes that make them look like something out of a fairytale.

I shiver.

"Want my sweatshirt?" Mikuo asks. I nod, and he hands it to me. It's huge on me, and he says I look cute. I smile and say thanks, and he says it's no problem, and that I can keep it for as long as I like.

"Forever, if you wanted too," Mikuo chuckles a little.

Perfect.

I can use it to hide my body when I become too perfect for the judging people that try to hurt people like me, turn us into zombies that eat the frost bittened ground.

x.X.x

I had 500 calories today.

No food for the rest of the week.

I can't wait to be a ballerina.

**Disclaimer: I do not own vocaloids, stick-thin ballerinas, or Mikuo's sweatshirt.**

**Also, thank you for all the reviews. i love them, please keep em' coming!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid...I think?**

I walk up to the corner store and buy a gallon of low fat milk. My bones are killing me, and I'm hoping milk will help.

When I get home and drink a cup of it, it tastes like sand.

The other day Piko and Ren asked me to go to Wendy's with them. I got a junior frosty (they are about as tall as those really small, mini water bottles), and when I looked into it, it looked like a bunch of black heads were floating around in it. I made a weird face and Ren watched me sit there and stir it around angrily.

The milk feels like it is going down slowly, in chunks, even though I swallow it in not even fifteen seconds.

x.X.x

My ballet lessons start in two weeks, and then I'll be practicing about eight hours a day, which will be great exercise.

My waist is currently 18.5 inches.

Halloween is in two days, and so is my sleepover with Mikuo. Lately, he's been commenting on how boney my arms are getting, but I cover up the rest of my body with baggy clothes.

I take a brush to my hair, and a huge clump falls out.

x.X.x

My friends are getting a little suspicious.

Len said my arms are really thin yesterday, a little bit too thin.

So, to please them, I'm eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It feels like a bunch of bees are swarming down my throat, stinging any open spot they can.

After lunch, I run into the bathroom in the junior wing (it's almost like junior's _never _pee.)

I run into the last stall, lock the door, and stick two fingers down my throat.

I throw up beautiful colors.

I pull at my hair, and scream, and some more falls out, and i scream again, the tatse of throw up and blood in my mouth.

What's wrong with me?

Is that ugly, hungry beast inside me trying to kill me with it's acid stingers?

I run out of the bathroom, pass all the kids that hang out in the hallway without passes, pass the gates.

Run, run, run.

I run until I am at the park.

My ankles ache, and I throw up once more.

I walk back to my house and ignore my parents yelling at me for ditching the last three periods of school.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/n: Ah, sorry for this short chapter. Also, it doesn't end here. There is probably going to be about 20 or so chapters, so don't fret.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

It snowed two feet today. Where I am, it snows from October into April.

My skin does not sag, but I am a little boney, and people are starting to notice.

When I walk on the snow, I make no footprints.

Just like a ballerina.

I am a Prima Ballerina.

x.X.x

I quietly shuffle down the hall. Mikuo comes up to me and asks me if I am sick. I am wearing gloves because my fingers have a blue tint.

"Rin? OK, you are defiantly sick. How about we cancel our sleepover, and tuck you into bed…"

I can't hear the rest of what he says, because I pass out.

It's dark, like I am blind.

It's cold.

It hurts.

I can't feel my finger tips or toes, my tongue is dry and sour, a creature is scratching at the insides of my ribs.

x.X.x

I wake up in a hospital bed, tubes in my arms and a tube in my nose.

"Rin!" Mikuo hugs me, he is crying.

I look around, and Lin, Ren, my parents, Piko, Gumiya, a boy with dark blue hair, and what looks like his twin but with red hair, and even Gumi are all sitting in the small, cramped room, making a fuss for a doctor.

"Malnutrition," the doctor says. "She's been starving herself."


	8. Chapter 8

**Lol, I know this sounds immature, but yesterday my friends and I went to Target(we are girls), bought trogan condoms, and used them as water balloons to throw at my other friend(who is a boy).**

**They were lubricated too, LOL.**

"Rin…What he's saying….Is it true?" Mom questions me, with doubt written all over her face.

"You have been getting a lot thinner….and you don't eat lunch or dinner, maybe a piece of bread for breakfast at the most…," Len comments, taking a hold of my hand.

"Rin…," Mikuo looks at me with concern, his eyes still puffy from crying.

"You don't hate me now, do you Mikuo?" I ask, my voice all scratchy.

"No, of course not. I _love _you. I _adore _I don't understand why you'd do this to yourself…," Mikuo pleaded.

"Rin, do you know how horrible you've been to your body?" my dad asks.

"I just wanted to be beautiful…," I whisper '_beautiful'._

"_Beautiful?_ Rin, you've only made yourself disgusting! You're a disgrace! A disgrace! Do you know what this will do to my good name?" Dad yells and shakes me angrily by the neck, and it takes mom, Len, Mikuo, Miku, and Gumiya to get him off.

"Wait in the car! Better yet, we're going! Who knows how many other people you'll harass for having a mental disorder!" Mom screams at my dad, and pulls him out. Gumi follows, but everyone else stays here until it's night and I fall fast asleep, the sound of my heart rate monitor and my actual heart longing to explode and die in my chest ringing in my ears.

x.X.x

A month later, my waist is 19 inches again. I weigh not 87 pounds, but a whopping 103.2.

x.X.x

"Why?" Mom walks into my room.

"Why what?" It's been two weeks since I got home, and I go back to school on Monday (it's Saturday.)

"Why would you do that to yourself? Is there a reason? Or did you just see yourself as fat?"

"…"

"Rin!"

"…"

"Answer me!"

"…"

"Fine then!"

Mom takes out her cellphone, and calls some number.

"Hello? Akita – sensei?"

"Mom!" I yell.

"Yes, I am afraid Rin will no longer be doing ballet. She's been going through…_phases._"

"MOM!" I scream, and she shuts the door as I chase after her.

"Yea, teenagers. Alright, bye!" Mom says, hanging up. I can barely hear her through my thick wooded door. "You may go back when you have the decency to try to start recovering, and tell us what's wrong."

I curl up next to the door and cry myself to sleep.

**Poor Rin **

**Ah, an update earlier than six o'clock.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned vocaloid, do you think I would be writing fanfiction for them when I can just make them do this in real life? (lol, sowwy Rin.)**

**Review?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hahaha, I had to type this up really quik. I'm sorry, but due to school, family, and boyfriend problems, i'm gonna have to move these updates to once a week :(**

**I'm on my friend's dad's labtop XD**

**Disclaimer: IOWNNOTHING,NOTEVENVOCALOID,.**

**Am I right?**

**Ja get that?**

I walk hand-in-hand with Mikuo to school the next day, in silence. He doesn't ask 'why' or anything everyone else ask all the time.

He knows I hate it.

I hate it all.

My nineteen inch waist.

x.X.x

I wake up the next moring to my alarm clock singing some weird moe song. I slam my hand on it , silencing it.

When I walk downstairs, a glass of orange juice sits at my spot on the table. Eveyone, except Gumi, looks at me steernly untill I swallow the the bug infeasted bread and acid.

I swear I can hear my enamle screaming in pain as it's washed away by the orange liquid.

I walk upstairs to my room, into my bathroom, and weigh myself.

102.6 lbs.

x.X.x

I'm tired of these games.

'Eat, Rin, eat.'

Remember when you all used to say 'dance, Rin, dance.'

I can feel the world melting away again.

x.X.x

The next day I beat my alarm clock to death.

x.X.x

Mom says that since i'm doing so well, I can go back to ballet lessons.

Mikuo takes me. He says he loves my dancing after.

The whole time I felt out of place, a log in the middle of all these toothpicks.

x.X.x

I'm sick of all this weight. All this fat. I must stay skinny while I'm young.

So I barf.

After lunch I barf it all out, and it feels amazing.

I'm becoming clean again.

**I seriously beat my alarm clock to death one time. I woke up, and I was so tired, that I couldn't figure out how to shut it off, so I just kept banging it on my desk until it stopped XD**

**Then I was all like, 'Oh, you just flip this switch up!'**

**hahaha**


	10. Chapter 10

**OMG I AM SOOOOO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING SOONER. I'll update quicker, I PROMISE.**

**Honestly, I have to thank Akita Daichu. The whole ballerina thing was just a figure of speech until she made that comment! XD Rin seriously didn't have a reason for her going anorexic except the desire to fit into society (that's my trigger, for cutting also.)**

**Thank you Daichu-san, for giving me a real reason and not making me seem stupid! **

**HAPPY 10 CHAPTER ANNIVERSARY.**

**Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!**

**I feel horrible for Japan  
**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Vocaloid, Mikuo would be real.**

x.X.x

They are all so happy.

"Rin's eating, she's actually eating!"

Mikuo still doesn't talk about it. Instead he holds me, and kisses me, and wipes away my tears, and pats my head until my hair gets messed up. Len is a little nicer to me; he's always been a worry-wart though. Miku is more cheerful and spazy than she usually is around me. Lin just stays who she is – a good friend. Ren watches me while I eat, and avoids me when I'm over his house. But he's warming up. I don't talk to Piko much anymore.

No one questions why I go straight to the bathroom after a meal.

I've always hated that word: Bulimic. But now it's my sanctuary. A temporary sanctuary until I'm 'healthy' enough that people won't question me slowly not eating.

x.X.x

My therapist has noticed my loss of two pounds. Doesn't she understand?

x.X.x

I have been 100 pounds exactly for two weeks now. Time to stop eating lunch.

I guess bulimia is only good for _maintaining _weight, not _losing_ it.

x.X.x

It's one of those days again. The sky is cloudy and gray, and I get this….nostalgic? I can't eplaon the feeling. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. It's sad. I want to hide it away, so it never has to face life again.

x.X.x

Lately I've been biting my lips until they bleed. Mikuo doesn't comment on them, and when I ask him if they a gross, he tells me the most amazing thing I've ever heard.

"Because they are a part of you. And I love every beautiful part of you."

x.X.x

"I hate March." Len pouts in study hall.

I hate march too. It's so slow.

x.X.x

My clothes are getting bigger. I like to wear Mikuo's sweatshirts, not only because they hide me, he says I look so adorable in them, then gives me a kiss on the cheek. He's so sweet.

x.X.x

March is slow. It feels like it's been a whole month, and it's only the 14th.

Stupid March.

x.X.x

I'm 96.7 lbs. Mikuo went with me to my therapy appointment, found out how I had been losing weight, and took me straight home, when he was supposed to take me to ballet practice today!

But I'm not too mad, because it's what I deserved. It was a punishment.

x.X.x

The rest of the month has gone by fast. I have vacation in a week.

I'm almost small enough to have to go to a ward. Mikuo says he'll support me, but I'm going to try to gain a little more weight so I don't have to go.

Right when I try to swallow my dinner bread, I gag it up.

I can't swallow my food.

It hurts.

x.X.x

I wake up the next morning feeling gross.

"Get up, sleepy head. It's noon already!" Mikuo shakes me, and I get ready to smash him against my desk, until I realize he's actually a living creature and not a beeping plastic demon mother of all sin and sinners on this planet.

I really hate mornings.

"Mikuo? What are you doing here? AND O MY GOSH IT'S 12:00 ON A MONDAY? Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I ask in a somewhat whiney tone.

"Um, maybe because it's April vacation?"

"Oh…."

Mikuo laughs, and turns around, looking so cute in his big apron.

"And I'm staying with you while your parents are on that business trip. Gumiya and Len went with them, and they don't really…_trust _Gumi." He says, "Breakfast is ready, come down whenever you feel like it."

Mikuo kisses my forehead and jogs out of my room.

I collapse down on my bed.

Why am I such a monster?

I hate how much I've hurt Mikuo, how much I'm hurting him now.

I can just tell he notices.

**Ah, don't worry Rin. I hate mornings too. You're not the only one who wants to bash living creature's' (?)heads while they are trying to wake you up.**


	11. Chapter 11

**So sorry for taking so long guys ^^**

**My laptop broke again :/**

**Ikr.**

**Ok, so this chapter is mainly just Rin remembering things.** **It's kind of lazy, hehe. **

**Disclaimer: I'm sick of doing disclaimers. If I owned Vocaloid, do you honestly think I'd be on FF . net?**

**Enjoy!**

I remember when I was little, and my dad would take by my sides and lift me high up into the air and spin me all around. I would latch onto his wrist and giggle and squeal occasionally. He would just smile up at me, and spin me down onto the ground.

I remember we would go down to the beach with my mom, who was currently pregnant at the time, and Len and I would collect seashells and put them on her round belly.

Everyone was devastated, even Gumi, when mom's pregnancy was pronounced by the doctors as a miscarriage.

My mom cried and screamed and thrashed out at any one besides me for a few weeks after that. Dad would send me over when she was having an 'episode', as he liked to call it, and mom would pick me up and place me in her lap, stroke my soft blonde hair and say, "Rin, my baby."

The next few hours where spent baking cookies, with dad standing in the kitchen door with Len and Gumiya.

x.X.x

Mom sets down a glass of cool, cool pink lemonade in front of a six year old me, and I happily take it into my small, chubby hands and drink it all up through the straw.

We are outside on my back porch, just Mom, Dad, Gumiya, and me (because Len was over his friends house and Gumi refused to participate in such 'nonsense', as she called it.)

Mom folded her skirt in between her legs and started to put the beads on a bracelet she was making me.

Dad, Len, and Gumiya were all playing baseball (which, by the way, failed because Len and Dad were the different teams, and Gumiya was pitcher _and _catcher. Ikr?)

And then there was just little me, sitting alone on the porch, with an empty glass in hand.

That was the first time I ever felt lonely.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: For the last time I don't own anything! XD**

Slowly I lift my head up from my pillow. The smell of eggs and bacon climbs up the stairs and under my door into my room. Everything is a blur for a second, but then I finally get up.

I walk to my dresser and put on some clothes. I've actually started to look what Mikuo calls 'normal' again.

I look in the mirror.

I am disgusting.

I run downstairs and to the kitchen. Mikuo opens his arms and I jog straight into them.

I smile into his chest as he gives me the biggest bear hug on the planet

Can the planet turn just a little slower for me?

Can I just escape, and run away from this nightmare with Mikuo?

Why can't life be this dreamy?

Time seems to melt as the cool morning air seeps through the window. Time seems to melt as I pick up a fork, and slowly pile food into my body.

Not acid.

Not spiders.

But food. Made with love.

I'm healing…

**AAAAAAAnd I'm too lazy to make a longer chapter XD only one chapter left **

**Yay!**

**Btw I have an amazing boyfriend who's a lot like Mikuo now :O**

**Ironic, isn't it?**

**I love you bby 3**

**And I love you followers **


	13. Chapter 13

**Final, lazy-ass chapter.**

**I'm sorry to disappoint you with this horrible story, it was probably just a waste of your time XD.**

**But thank you so much for reading it through to the end! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid, cuz if I did, this FF would be real MUHAHAHAHAHAHA**

_Ten years later…_

Twenty-four year old Rin Kagamine sat in front of the bay window in her fancy New York loft, watching the droplets of rain rushing past in a down pour.

Things got better…for worse.

(Rin P.O.V)

Eventually, everyone left. Even Mikuo got tired of her, after she went back into her bad…_dieting_ habits.

But he swears, he still loves me.

He still loves me.

I watch the rain rush even faster past my window, only to meet their sad fate of being ripped apart on the pavement. Their guts splatter across the sidewalk, while feet carelessly step all over them, not noticing the bloodied corpses.

_Bzzzzt. Bzzzzt. _My phone vibrates.

I look at the I.D., and see that it's Luki. Slowly, I pick up the phone.

"Yea, babe? Hmp…just wait till I get there. I know, you want my spice. Bye."

**Be prepared for a sequel in the future :D**

**Just…remind me, k? **

**SPOILER: and yes, it will be based off SPICE! Cuz im eviiiiiiiiil like dat.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Just telling you that the sequel is now up :) (or it will be, once FF decides to stop being a bitch XD)**

**It's called 'Sleeping Beauty'.**

**I tried not to change the writing style, because you all said that it made a hard-hitting impact on you.(? I thought it sucked :/)**

**Anyways, I would like to take this time to apologize for all of the grammar and spelling mistakes, and tell you that there will be a lot less in the sequel. **

**Please R&R it! Me loves your reviews to munch on OM NOM NOM.**

**Ehem…anyways, please go check it out, and if you like it, review! If you don't like it…..review anyways! I welcome flames and criticism with open arms ^3^**

**Also, thanks to my friend ****Luna-Oscura10****. She is translating my story into Spanish :DDDDDD**

**Much love,**

**Hidari.**


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